topic

1. weather
2. holidays for example April fool's day and China's tomb sweeping day
3.There is only one rule for being a good talker - learn to listen." - Christopher Morley
4. But when I think about him now, I think of something else. I think of his ability, whether over a meal table, in a corner of a bar or just sitting in his office, as a talker.
5.

Impaired, Inarticulate, and Incoherent

Everyone is good at something, but no one is good at everything.

I'm a heavy supporter of that phrase. I remember when I'd play video games as a kid, and even nowadays, one of my favorite things was when you had the ability to create your own character, with a certain skill-set, and they'd have their strengths and weaknesses. You only had so many "points" with which to make your character good, so you put them into different categories, strength, agility, intelligence, charisma, which affected which aspects of the game you exceled at. I wish it was that easy in real life to see what you're good at and what you're not good at.

Lately I've been examining my own skill-set, and trying to focus on what it is I'm not so good at, and what I could get better at. I came to the conclusion that I'm not such a good conversationalist, I tend to think a lot before I say anything, so I naturally usually don't say much. It got me to thinking, what exactly sets a good talker apart from a not-so-good talker?

One of the disconcerting ideas I came upon is that people really don't have that much relevant things to talk about. Most of what we say to each other is filler, and really doesn't have any meaning in advancing a relationship. Sure if you have common interests, common classes, it helps, but to stick two people together that don't really have much in common makes it difficult for them to hold intelligent conversation.

I used to think that the only thing that set a good conversationist apart from a bad one was that a good one would make sure that there was always words flowing easily between two people. I realize that there are a lot more subtleties and delicate nuances to a good conversationist, knowing what to say, when to say it, when not to say it, how to say it, what tone, what order, how to start a conversation, and end a conversation, in addition to the huge variance of things I'm missing.

It's frustrating to know that there are so many ways in which you can improve, in such a small facet of life, and I think it relates to the saying that the more you learn, the less you realize you know. I'm certainly wishing I could have a +5 charisma right now, maybe I wouldn't be so tongue-tied talking to people then.

CONVERSATION AN ART.

PEILE says ?"Reason and speech have seemed so inseparable to some that it has been maintained that man would not be man without speech. Hence Shelley's well-known lines:

" ' He gave man speech, and speech created thought,
Which is the measure of the universe.' "

We think there are few who do not ardently desire to become good conversationalists. To be able to hold the attention of a circle of listeners, many of whom are strangers to you, and to make them anxious to hear more from your lips, is a gift that few possess. And yet it lies within the power of all to contribute to the pleasure of any group, by uttering some suggestive thought, which in its turn may set another train of thought in motion, and stimulate to better things.

CONVERSING WELL.

The ability to converse interestingly has been the stepping-stone to many a man's success in life. There is not a human being in the possession of his faculties who cannot amuse and instruct others. Social contact is a mental stimulant, which modern society sets its stamp of approval upon, as is evidenced by the ready welcome which the intelligent talker receives everywhere.

TALK NOT CONVERSATION.

But talk alone is not conversation. There must be a clear brain, a keen perception of the fitness of things, a swiftness at grasping ideas and adapting them to the company in which one is placed, to constitute conversation, Some people have so great a love for the sound of their own voices, that they rattle off the veriest nonsense, with the volubility of a chattering magpie, and after all their torrent of words, they have said nothing. Such talkers can be found in all places, and are not, in spite of the ugly sarcasms which would-be wits Ring at them, confined to the gentler sex,

The most graceful conversationalists are those whose thoughts are spontaneous. Contact with other minds broadens and develops our own, and thus widens the field of thought.

A GOOD MEMORY NECESSARY.

The first essential in becoming a good talker is to have a good memory. The mind must become a storehouse of good things, from whence to draw for the enjoyment of others. When a good lecture or a sermon is heard, it is well to commit the most striking points to memory, and the various deductions drawn therefrom either by the speaker or yourself, can be used for material, A good book should be well studied, much of it committed to memory, and that, too, will serve as a fund from which to educe ideas, which, communicated to others, will bring forth new ones from them, and thus the conversation becomes general, and wit and fancy flow freely. But do not pass these thoughts off upon the company as original ?allude to their authors and give them due credit.

DO NOT CRAM.

It is unpardonable to "cram" yourself previous to a social gathering; that is, to read up any special subject, for the purpose of astonishing your hearers with your erudition. You might possibly meet some one who knew more on the subject than you did and who might expose your superficial information at exactly the moment when you fancied yourself the most secure.

SHOWING OFF.

It is very ill-bred to exhibit any accomplishments far the sake of display, and beget ill-feeling among those whom you desire to dazzle.

PUNS ARE VULGAR.

A pun occasionally can be forgiven, in good society, but the man or woman who makes a pun on every other word, is a terrible nuisance, and the soul will rise up in arms against them. The fashion of punning dates from the times of the early Greeks, but its age does not entitle it to veneration. Their chief objection is that they continually break in on agreeable conversation, and divert the mind from the subject. A punster has no regard for the most sacred and dear feelings of the heart, and would as readily play upon words at a funeral as at a wedding.

TACT.

The most exquisite and subtle quality necessary to a good talker, is tact. It is a fine gift to know just how to talk, to whom, and what is exactly the right thing to say on all occasions. It is only people of the most delicate perceptions who possess this gift, but it can be cultivated. To the author it is a neat compliment to express a fondness for books ?not his particular books, for that would savor of broad flattery, and is offensive. The lady whose heart is in hex household cares, will incite you to talk sympathetically with her of the delights of home. To the business man you can find something to say of stocks, per cents., and he will vote you a smart fellow. The good talker must be in a certain sense, "All things to all men;" must show an interest in whatever pleases others.

BE CAREFUL NOT TO DRAW COMPARISONS.

A person of tact will never comment upon the immorality of the stage, when he knows one of the group is a member of that profession; nor attack any nationality or religion with virulence, in a mixed company, where there are liable to be those whose feelings would be wounded by such indiscriminate remarks. He will not ask effusively after an absent one who may be at bitter enmity with the one with whom he is speaking.

THE BOASTFUL TALKER.

Of all talkers, the ones most to be dreaded are those who are forever expatiating upon their own exploits; their own brilliant judgment, and their heroic conduct upon some occasion. These people never allow the recitation of any one's doings but their own. No matter how adroitly you may lead them away from self; they will break in upon you with an account of how they conducted upon a similar occasion, and what praise they received for their performance, until their listeners give up in despair, feeling that there is no escape from the tiresome repetition until the talker has rung all the changes upon himself which his vanity is capable of.

INTERESTING EXPERIENCES.

There is great pleasure to be had in listening to the experiences of those who have traveled, but such narrations are solicited. The conceit which leads a man to talk of himself constantly, soon makes his society detested. His exploits are secretly sneered at, and but half believed. No matter how well he may talk, as he is the pivotal center on which his conversation turns, he is credited with nothing but egotism.

TRIFLES WEARISOME.

Another sort of conversation which is very tiresome, is that which retails all the trivial happenings of the speakers and their family. While these matters are interesting or at least endurable to their immediate friends, to the majority of people they are of no sort of consequence, and become very insipid.

UNFIT TOPICS.

The details of the toilet, and physical ailments, are never fit subjects for conversation. Such topics should be sedulously avoided, as enlarging upon them can neither interest nor please.

POLISH OFTEN A CLOAK.

It has often been said that a man can be polished, and yet be a villain. That is undoubtedly true. But then it does not follow that because a man is uncouth and boorish he is honest and true. The highest moral purity does not excuse rudeness and ill-breeding. It is far more natural and consistent to associate gentleness of manners, refinement and courtesy with genuine goodness, and we believe that nine men out of ten who have the refinement which good society gives, are mentally what they should be ?gentlemen at heart.

A good talker shines best at the dinner-table, where the flow of good feeling is increased by pleasant surroundings, and gay and animated discourse is so easily maintained.

THE ART OF LISTENING.

A good talker makes a good listener. Dull people can best be brought out of their reserve by saying as little as possible yourself, but rather by leading them up to some subject in which they are at home. You pay your listeners, by a "few brilliant flashes of silence" now and then, the compliment of supposing that they have something to say, and that you are desirous of listening to their views. It is told of a young man who was very shy, that a lady succeeded in starting him on a certain train of thought with which he was familiar, and he entertained the company in a charming manner. She spoke but seldom. He afterward remarked of her that she was the finest talker he ever heard.

WANDERING ATTENTION.

Do not appear to listen while your thoughts are wandering far away, and you are unpleasantly brought back to the present by an unexpected question or a sudden pause. Listen intelligently; pay strict attention to what is being said, and occasionally add a word, or give a quick smile of approval. It will stimulate and awaken an exchange of ideas and kindle a flame that will gladden the heart.

But in listening, do not fasten your eyes upon the speaker, under the impression that he will be pleased by such close attention, or let your eyes. wander around the room, as though you .were meditating flight. Either one of these things will confuse the most brilliant talker who ever lived.

DO NOT INTERRUPT.

Do not break in upon the good conversationalist. He may stimulate you so that ideas will rush to your lips with torrent-like rapidity, and you can scarcely wait for the other to finish. But you should keep them back until he has done, else you will give the impression that you have not been listening at all, only snatching ideas from him.

Surely there are topics enough in this progressive age to supply food for conversation in any coterie ?the grave, the gay, the learned or the unlearned. Are not the wonders of the universe spread out before us, within our very grasp? Can we not find subjects for daily conversation in the doings of the great minds of to-day ?or the latest book, and the kindly deeds of heroic souls? And should not our words uplift the weary hearted, cheer the sad, and bring rays of sunshine into the lives of all?

WHO CONVERSE EASILY.

To some men and women whose quick and ready brain responds to the lightest thought, conversation comes naturally; it is no effort. for them to converse fluently. To others it is a wearisome task. They think deeply and sensibly; can seize upon a subject clearly, but they are slow in giving utterance to their own conclusions. These can cultivate the art of conversation. Patience and determination, assisted by practice in putting your thoughts into words, will. develop the possibilities within yourselves. Observe closely, fill your minds with facts and the experiences of others, accustom yourselves to think audibly, and you will be surprised at the readiness with which you will express yourself.

TRAIN THE CHILDREN.

This training properly belongs to the period of childhood, when the mind is easily impressed. Parents should encourage a child to relate anything which has attracted its attention, and should induce it to tell it in its own way. And strict accuracy should be demanded of it in the relation of all incidents. The right use of words and phrases should be taught the child, and careless and improper language should be repressed. The benefit of such a course cannot be overestimated. The young mind early acquires the habit of observing and thinking, is educated to be truthful, and these faculties grow and expand more rapidly.

USE FEW COMPLIMENTS.

Compliments should be very sparingly administered, else they lose their force. When they are deserved, it is a graceful act to pay them; it is an acknowledgment of something worthily done. But let them be sincere, else they become gross flattery, which is lowering to the giver, and an insult to the one on whom it is bestowed. It is an admission that you are dull and unobservant of the merits of those around you, not to say a fitting word of praise for some good deed. they have done ?and a word of this sort from you is often very gratefully received.

NEATNESS OF PERSON.

Neat personal appearance is absolutely necessary, to the success of a good conversationalist. Much depends upon the personal magnetism of a talker, the. play of feature; the expression of the eye. All thee; fail to charm, if slovenly dress, tumbled hair., neglected teeth, kill their effect. Neatness is a passport to the favor; the want of it creates disgust.

JOKES IMMORTAL.

It is asserted that jokes are immortal. But don't, revamp all the old jests and stories that have traveled the rounds until they must be weary. We will remind our readers that coarse stories are banished from the society of ladies and gentlemen. They who would be known as ladies and gentlemen are clean in body and soul.

POLITICS AND RELIGION TABOOED.

Never indulge in conversation that will lead to heated debate in the social circle. Politics and religion should be tabooed, for it is almost impossible to avoid arousing some one's prejudice, or touching some sensitive point. The bitterest quarrels have been the outcome of what at the start was a mere difference of opinion, and as such entitled to a polite forbearance. If two persons can engage in a friendly controversy on any topic, and observe the rules of politeness such an argument is enjoyable to those who list en, for much information can be gained. But it is wiser to maintain silence when either party is so sensitive that a difference of opinion will lead to a loss of temper, and a breach of good manners.

AFFECTATION IN SPEECH.

A talker should not affect a delicacy of speech which many mistake for refinement. Call things by right names. Do not say limb for leg, or retire for go to bed. There is no true modesty in such substitutions. Speak correct English. Use simple phrases, being careful that your pronunciation is the standard one. One had better consult a dictionary every hour in the day, than to risk the secret ridicule which is sure to follow the word which is wrongly pronounced. And names of persons should be correctly pronounced. The pride is easily hurt if liberties are taken with one's name.

USE PLAIN ENGLISH.

The language which you speak should be well understood. Odd words and high-sounding phrases are in bad taste. It is ridiculous to besprinkle your sentences with. words from other tongues, and the chances are many that you cannot give them their correct pronunciation, and you gain a reputation for being pedantic.

Slang is even more dangerous to use. It will be apt to fall from the lips at the most inopportune moment. Young ladies would shun slang phrases as they would a plague, were they aware of the origin of some of their pet phrases. The most beautiful language is that which is the most simple. The words which have the most value are those which concisely convey the thought to the mind of the listener with clearness and speed.

LOUD TALKING OFFENSIVE.

Loud talking is very offensive. The loud talker is generally conceited and coarse. He catches the ear, but does not engage the heart. The loud, swaggering talker, starts out upon the supposition that every one is interested in his affairs. He disturbs the circle into which he is thrown. He talks at people, and not for them.

There are occasions and places where loud talking is proper. A speaker who would hold his audience must have a voice that will penetrate to the farthest. corner. The actor's enunciation must be loud, clear, and distinct. The lawyer, pleading at the bar, should be heard by his entire audience. But a man or woman who comes into a parlor, or the family circle, and talks in a voice that would command a regiment, is a perfect bomb-shell, and creates similar feelings to one in the minds of his auditors.

Home is not the place for noisy and loud demonstrations. The play-ground is their proper location. Loud talking becomes a fixed habit, and the one who indulges in it becomes unaware of his own fault. There is nothing so pleasant to the ear, as the even, moderately-pitched tones; at once we give their possessor credit for being well-bred. And these tones can be cultivated by anyone; even though there may be natural defects, they can be overcome, with patience and determination.

A low voice does not mean a mumbling, indistinct utterance. Nor does a high-pitched one mean noise. The latter may be very musical, while the former would be the reverse. But a clear, distinct, evenly-modulated voice, sympathetic and refined, is a delight which does double duty ?to its possessor and to those who listen to it.

OBSERVE RESPECT TO LADIES.

A gentleman should always remember, in talking with ladies, that they are his equals. There is no more ludicrous spectacle than a man vainly struggling with what he thinks is "small talk" in the company of ladies. He is magnanimously striving to come down to their level, while they are measuring him mentally, and wondering if he knows anything.

It is bad breeding to air one's business or occupation in company. Relegate "the shop" to its own place ?outside the circle where one's private affairs interest no one.

SMALL TALK HAS ITS USES.

But "small talk" as it is sneeringly named, has its uses and its place. One does not like always to be on stilts figuratively speaking, and we agree with the following from an author who has said many things well:

"After all, a man may have done a vast deal of reading, may have a good memory and sound judgment; he may season his conversation with wit and be a walking encyclopedia, and still be a very dull companion. All the world. do not read books, and some of those who do, never care about them. Everybody, however, loves to talk. When we are wearied with toil, or tired with thought, we naturally love to chat, and it is pleasant to hear the sound of one's own voice. What we mean by small talk is talk upon common, everyday matters, about the little trifling and innocent things of usual occurrence; in short, that vast world of topics upon which every one can talk, and which are as interesting to children and simple-minded persons as the greater questions are to the learned. Many affect a great measure of wisdom by speaking contemptuously of common-place talk, but it is only affected. Real wisdom makes a man an agreeable companion. Talk upon those topics which appear to interest your hearers most, no matter how common they may be. The real wisdom and power of a conversationalist is shown in making a commonplace topic interesting. Many imagine that it is an easy matter to talk about nothing or everyday occurrences, but it requires an active and observant mind, and ho small share of invulnerable good humor, to say something on everything to everybody. If a man is never to open his mouth but for the enunciation of some profound aphorism, or something that has never been said before; if he is to be eternally talking volumes and discussing knotty problems, his talk becomes a burden, and he will find that but few of his audience will be willing to listen to him. Small talk obviates the necessity of straining the mind and assuming unnatural attitudes, as though you were exerting your mental powers. It puts the mind at ease."

In conversation, as in every other act of life, due respect should be shown for others' opinions and time--offending not the first nor encroaching too far upon the last.